Fast & Furious

This Movie Made Me: Neither Fast Nor Furious

The newest installment of the “Fast and the Furious” franchise is SO exciting, they don’t even have time to waste on stuff like “the.” For all those people who thought the best part of the original film was its cast (and not something like… the cars), their prayers have finally been answered. And it only took Hollywood two films to hear them. But even with the reunited cast a couple of cool cars, there’s nothing in “Fast & Furious” to get remotely excited about.

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and girlfriend Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) are living the high life south of the border snatching oil and speeding under tumbling, fiery gas tanks. But when someone close to Dom is killed, he finds himself back in L.A. on a mission for revenge. His target: a Mexican drug lord who traffics goods over the border via a shaky (and completely CGIed) mine shaft in the mountains. Also on the case is FBI agent and former rival Brian O’Connor (Paul Walker), who puts his life and career on the line to bring the villain to justice. Dom’s terse sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) shows up once in a while, as do a few high-speed car chases.

But the film is focused on two men; one driven by revenge, one driven to do what’s right. So it’s clearly strong on plot. (Snicker.) But anyone who goes into a “Fast and Furious” film expecting a lot of plot is hopelessly deluded. What really matters is the awesome action. Unfortunately, the action here is decidedly unawesome. A race through the streets of L.A. is a pale imitations of the other movies, even with regular traffic providing lots of veering and horn honking. The rest of the film lets computers handle all the hard work. Only one problem: the graphics are at the level of a good Nintendo 64 game at best. It’s like watching someone else play “Cruis’n.”

A big point in the advertising has been its reunited cast – four of Hollywood’s best and brightest… eight years ago. Does it make a difference? Well, not really. No one is really required to do anything besides posing and looking nice. The most challenging thing Diesel and Walker have to do is be Aggressive (with a capital A!) – a.k.a. punching each other and shouting when any emotion is called for. While watching, one can’t help thinking that the only reason this movie was made was because none of them had anything else to do.

I’m willing to bet most moviegoers weren’t clamoring for a fourth “Fast and the Furious” movie, and this gives us no reason to be glad they actually did. Yes, they may have brought back all the original stars. But for all they’re given to do, they might as well have brought back all the original stunt drivers instead. It would be the same film. There was one exciting moment, however. Halfway through the first car chase, two people in the theater stood up and started yelling at each other. Now that was fast and furious!